


3. Puns, Puns, & More Puns

by DontBeSoColdCold (Cerulean_Empress)



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anonymity, Bad Puns, Chatting & Messaging, Cold puns, Deviates From Canon, Dorks, Fanfiction, Feelings, Feels, Flirting, Fluff, Friendship, Humor, Len & Barry Ship It, Light Angst, M/M, Online Friendship, Puns & Word Play, Roleplay, Speed puns, Team Writing, anonymous, coldflash - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 23:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5888563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cerulean_Empress/pseuds/DontBeSoColdCold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Len and Barry have no idea of who they're really talking to. Have NO CLUE that it's each other; and yet they've become quite acquainted. If flirting with a stranger under the guise of role play and puns counts as such.</p>
            </blockquote>





	3. Puns, Puns, & More Puns

Len was shocked. Amazed even. That total strangers were _defending_ him. In fact, they believed him to be good deep down and were supporting him. They were _caring for him_. Provided it was all from behind the safety of their screens and their anonymity online, but these were their real opinions and they meant so much to him. Even if none of these people would admit any of it out loud or publicly, just knowing how they really felt was enough for him.

He closed his eyes afraid he’d cry otherwise. He had learned how to suppress his emotions from a fairly young age, but right then they felt so raw and out of his control, he had to take in deep breaths just to think properly and to calm down.

A little over a month ago Len had stumbled upon the ColdFlash fandom by accident when he’d been looking into new reports on The Flash. He’d immediately been intrigued—fascinated with the stories and art, with the fandom itself, and how they supported Captain Cold and The Flash in a relationship together. They genuinely believed in both of them and wanted them to be happy. Len couldn’t fathom why these strangers were so hell bent on supporting him and wanted him to be happy after knowing all the horrible things he’d done, but it slowly melted his frozen heart the more he exposed himself to them.

Considering the amount of time he’d spent behind reading fics and comics, after being pulled into the fandom headfirst, was it _really_ a surprise that he started contributing to it himself? He’d become a popular writer in the fandom pretty quickly and for the most part enjoyed reading comments about his works.

Today, his readers were debating whether or not Captain Cold deserved redemption or happiness in the comments section under his latest work, a one-shot called _‘Past and Present’_ , in which Captain Cold confesses the truth about his traumatizing past to Ryder, AKA _The Flash_ , after they have some hot and steamy sex.

Len wrote about the actual truth. About how his father physically and mentally abused him and Lisa, about how he tortured them for laughs, calling them all ‘lessons’, and threatened them if they ever dared to even think about snitching on him.

About how he wasn’t strong enough to protect Lisa, about how he tried anyway, and how much he hated feeling so helpless and weak. About using himself as a shield to keep Lisa as safe as possible, and about how he would give up everything for her happiness. How as long as he was conscious he’d take all the lessons just to spare her. 

About how much he hated himself for passing out during those said lessons because that meant he’d failed to protect Lisa and she’d get hurt next.  About how guilty he felt for walking out on her. About how he knew he had to, to get stronger, to get strong enough to support her and himself. About how much he regretted leaving her behind with that monster, but also conflicted since he couldn’t run away with her, not while she was underage, and most definitely not while he was still weak and on the streets.

He wrote about the nightmare that was his childhood in reality. He confessed it all to _Ryder_ since he couldn’t to Barry.

While most comments were positive and supportive, not all of them were. Some readers argued that because Cold was a villain, it didn’t matter what his past had been because he chose to be bad in the present. Some argued that The Flash was too good for a lowlife like Leonard Snart. Some left dumb, ignorant, or just plain awful comments, usually because they believed The Flash was better off with someone else. But none of the negativity was strong enough to ruin Len’s contentment.

Len made sure to never use The Flash’s _real_ name, or the names of people to whom he was acquainted with, as a part of _Team Flash_ in his writing. He even made sure not to use the names of the employees at CCPD unless already known in the papers. The challenging part Len had with that was that he couldn’t write about them, even with changed names, in great detail, since he knew them all in person and wouldn’t be able to play them off like strangers. So his stories only briefly mentioned them if at all.

Len had chosen the name Ryder for _The Flash_ in his stories as an inside joke to Barry being a bottom and also because most writers chose boring everyday names for their version of _The Flash_ , like John. He usually portrayed Ryder as a scientist who got his speed from dangerous self-experimentation. He couldn’t risk using STAR Labs as Team Flash’s headquarters so he called it _The Lightening Dome_ instead in his stories. Len was also very careful not to use the nicknames _Scarlet_ , _Red_ , or _Kid_ because those would definitely be a dead giveaway to his true identity if by some unwanted miracle, Barry or any of his acquaintances ended up reading his works. Besides, Len’s nicknames for Barry were private. Something only he was allowed to use. Him and him alone. No one else.

That’s when he saw a familiar name pop up in between the negative comments. Len’s online buddy: NerdsDoItBetter. He caught himself smiling openly, and didn’t bother trying to hide it. Out of all the ColdFlash fans, _Nerd_ has been the most persistent about defending _Captain Cold_. To the point where arguments sometimes were turned into verbal fights, but he didn’t ever back down. Nerd _never_ backed down.

Len rather liked Nerd, even though they had only known each other for about a month—give or take. He enjoyed Nerd’s work, whether it was his writing, art, or comics—they never ceased to delight him. He also enjoyed conversing with Nerd, about anything and everything. He found it very easy to talk to him and learned that he enjoyed the other’s company more than he had thought possible. The kid made everything much more interesting than it was in actuality.

They had become acquainted because of the fandom when Nerd had first left him a message in his Tumblr inbox, asking for his help. And Len had helped him. He’d helped him come up with puns and some dialogue for Captain Cold since that was what Nerd was struggling with.

Speaking of whom, it was almost evening so the kid should be free, Len reminded himself, smiling. Evenings were their normal time range for relaxing in each other’s company and conversing. He decided that he didn’t want to wait any longer and opened another tab for Tumblr. He was too eager to talk to Nerd again, he knew, but he couldn’t be bothered to worry. At least not right then.

 

XXXXX

 

**withcoldontop**

_Good job. The new chapter was… well drawn. You’re getting better at coming up with your own puns for Captain Cold._

 

He sent NerdsDoItBetter the message on Tumblr. Truly impressed with the fan comic Nerd was drawing and updating weekly.

 

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_Thanks, Top :D I was really excited about posting it, so I’m glad you liked it. I’ve gotten better with puns only because of your help honestly, so thanks again. ;D_

**withcoldontop**

_Not a problem. You’re entertaining and I usually have time to kill, so why not help?_

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_Entertaining? Me? If I’m entertaining to you, then your life must be very boring._

**withcoldontop**

_Must be._

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_Either that or you don’t have very many hobbies if you use me to kill time._

**withcoldontop**

_Who knows? Maybe it’s just that I like spending time with you._

 

He imagined that if he were having this conversation with Barry, he’d be blushing like crazy to hear Len confess something like that, but also a little shocked at receiving an honest answer from him so easily.

 

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_What do you think of this pun for The Flash: “You must be a hell of a thief because you stole my heart from across the room, Snart.” I wanted to use it for when ColdFlash meet at a coffee shop in the next chapter of my comic._

**withcoldontop**

_Very cheesy. I love it._

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_What about: “Looking a little hot there, Cold. Might wanna lose the parka.”_

**withcoldontop**

_“I could say the same for you, Flash. But I doubt you could get out of that suit fast enough.”_

 

Len replied with a pun of his own, ‘roleplaying’ _himself_ in the process.

 

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_“But, Baby, it’s cold outside. Do you want me to freeze to death?”_

**withcoldontop**

_Clever. But don’t think you can beat me at my own game. I’m the king of puns, Nerd._

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_I bet you I can, Top._

**withcoldontop**

_Getting cocky now are we? Alright, fine. But this bet is Ice-Cold. Make sure to dress warmly._

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_Who said I was feeling cold? Maybe I’m burning up and need to cool down. Think you can help me out, Cold?_

 

Len grunted. He couldn’t think of this as Barry. He had to stop now or he’d only be hurting himself. But damn it, if Barry ever told him something like that… maybe he could pretend for just a while longer.

 

**withcoldontop**

_Didn’t think you had such boldness in you, Flash. Impressive. But two can play at that game. Think you can keep up?_

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_I’m faster than you think. The real question is can you?_

**withcoldontop**

_Now you’re just being frosty._

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_Too fast for you to handle? You aren’t thinking of giving up now are you, Captain? The fun's just beginning._

**withcoldontop**

_Never. Just biding my time. You know what they say about revenge… it’s a dish best served Ice-Cold._

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_Hahaha, well sure - you’re slick, but I’m still pulling ahead. Prepare to lose, Snart._

**withcoldontop**

_I’m shaking with fear. The big bad Flash is gonna catch me._

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_Are you sure that’s what I’m planning? Maybe you won’t be so much caught as devoured._

**withcoldontop**

_You’re giving me shivers._

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_Are you sure it’s not just your cold gun chilling you?_

**withcoldontop**

_Positive._

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_Bet you didn’t expect me to be a challenge._

**withcoldontop**

_Nope. You caught me by surprise._

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_Too shocking?_

**withcoldontop**

_Very. It’s electrifying._

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_Running out of ideas yet? Because I can keep going._

**withcoldontop**

_Scared I’ll steal your thunder if we keep it up?_

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_Please. You couldn’t even if you tried, Cold. You’re not fast enough to catch me._

**withcoldontop**

_Maybe that’s the trick. One must be pretty cool to catch a speedster off guard._

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_Maybe. But maybe it has nothing at all to do with speed. Maybe… it has to do with how bold you can be. Or whatever's hidden underneath that parka._

**withcoldontop**

_Sorry, Nerd. I have to cut this short. This has been fun. But my sister needs me to help her with dinner. Let’s talk againtomorrow. We cancontinue this then ifyouwant._

 

Len typed too fast, making a few space errors. Lisa didn’t need him for dinner or anything else for that matter. She wasn’t even rushing him to get ready for their heist tonight. No, the problem was his imagination. He’d been so engrossed in pretending Nerd to be Barry that his brain forgot the pretending part, leaving him suddenly hard as he sat there. He couldn’t in good conscious continue the game when this required his attention away from his online friend.

 

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_That’s all right. Guess you just aren’t quick enough to keep up with me, Top. I sooo win._

**withcoldontop**

_Neither of us wins, Nerd. For now, let’s call it a tie._

 

Len forced himself to focus on the words he was typing. Making sure to not make any more typos by accident.

 

**nerdsdoitbetter**

_Fine. But I’ll definitely win the next time we do this. ;P_

 

Len quickly closed his laptop not caring about anything but the painful ache in his pants. He couldn’t worry about his attraction to Barry right then. He needed to take care of himself first.

 

XXXXX

 

“Hey, Barr!” Iris’s voice drifted in from the entrance of his lab.

“Ah!” Barry screamed, startled. He quickly closed his sketchbook and hid it under his current case files, using his speed to make sure Iris wouldn’t see him do so. The last thing he needed was for her to get suspicious; because once she was, she wouldn’t drop the subject until she got to the bottom of it. Besides, the thought of anyone—Iris or otherwise—finding his ColdFlash drawings was mortifying. The sketchbook had many chapters of his comics in it as well as some random sketches of Len.

“Please, don’t sneak up on me like that…” He managed to say as Iris made her way across the lab to the desk he was seated at. He slowly turned around towards her, knowing that his face was already a deep shade of crimson from embarrassment.

“I called you, but you weren’t picking up, so I figured you got caught up in work and came here to check on you myself. You were supposed to pick me up from work and take me to dinner, remember?” she asked, pausing for his confirmation, before smacking him on the arm. “Seriously? I can’t believe you forgot about our dinner plans _again_.”

“Sorry…” Barry apologized, trying to think up a good excuse but failing. He couldn’t just tell her that he’d lost track of time between working on his own comic, forensics, and his pun war/role-play with Top earlier. She’d ask too many questions and he didn’t want to deal with that right then.

“I’m kidding!” Iris announced, shaking with laughter. “I think you need a break, Barry. From the precinct and the patrols. We’re having dinner on _Friday_. Today’s _Wednesday_.”

“Oh… then _why_ are you here?” Barry asked, confused, before scrambling to clear up his meaning, realizing how that sounded out loud. “Not that you’re _not_ wanted here… I mean I’m _glad_ you’re here. I love seeing you. You’re _always_ welcome to be here whenever you please; I mean why wouldn’t you be? You’re my best friend, so of course—and I’m rambling again aren’t I?”

“A little bit,” Iris smiled, chuckling. He was glad to see her so amused, even if it was at his own expense.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. No need to apologize, silly. Dad told me you’ve been holed up here all day, and he was a little worried about you, so I told him I’d come by to make sure you were all right, so… here I am. To check up on you, and to make sure you eat something before I leave. I brought you your favorites from Big Belly Burger. How does that sound?” Barry’s stomach growled at the thought of food. He hadn’t realized how hungry he was until Iris pulled out three huge bags of blissful smelling food. He quickly cleared off the table to make room for him to eat.

“Absolutely like heaven. Thank you. You are magnificent and amazing. This is exactly why I love you—one of the reasons anyway.”

“Keep the compliments coming. You, Mr. Barry Allen, should thank me more often. It’ll definitely earn you some brownie points.” Iris teased, laughing.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He replied, laughing along with her. This was nice. He’d missed this. Between being a superhero, his day job, and his contributions to the ColdFlash fandom he’d been too busy to make time for anything else. And similarly, Iris had been too caught up in chasing stories for Picture News, while being invested in the fandom as Linda’s co-writer on the side.

“Anyway, I have to meet up with Linda soon to work on… _you know what._ ” Iris smirked deviously, knowing that Barry knew exactly what she meant. “So I was thinking of heading out soon.” She hinted, and he understood. He understood her best as she did him. She wanted to make sure he was fine before leaving and needed to make sure that he was cool with it since it had been a while since they’d seen one another.

He blamed them for his new obsession, as they were the ones who’d exposed him to the ColdFlash fandom. He’d caught the two of them discussing fan fiction about The Flash and Captain Cold, about a month ago, when he’d gone to pick Iris up from work one evening. He’d become curious once the initial shock dissipated, and had looked into it not being able to function without sating his curiosity, only to get sucked right into the fandom.

“By all means, don’t let me keep you.” Barry laughed, starting to eat his food at normal speed to savor the flavor. “Mmmmm… fast food is the best. Thank you, really... I won’t forget about our dinner plans on Friday—promise.” Barry joked along, taking another bite. “Do you want me to drop you off at Linda’s place before I head to the labs?”

“Nah, I got it. Thanks for the offer, though.” Iris said, placing a kiss on his forehead and pulling him into a quick hug. “Say hi to Cisco and Caitlin for me and make sure to be careful on patrol. I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah, okay. It’s no problem. And sure, I will, but you should come stop by at the labs soon. I know Caitlin would love to see you.” 

“I’ll do that. As soon as I have more time.” Iris promised, before heading out.

Barry was still eating, taking his time to enjoy his tasty meal, when his phone started to ring. He knew it was Cisco calling without even looking at the caller ID.

“What’s up?”

“Barry, you need to get over here right now! The upgrades on your suit are done. The Rogues just made away with four of the world’s rarest gems, ever. I borrowed some military technology and used both ultraviolet cold signatures and infrared heat signatures to track down their guns. I’ll direct you to where they are over the coms once you suit up.” 

“Got it. Be there in a flash.” Barry hung up before Cisco could call him out. He’d walked into that pun without even trying, and he blamed WithColdOnTop and Captain Cold for it. He wolfed down the last of his meal and sped over to the labs as fast as he could.

 

XXXXX

 

“Well, well, well… if it isn’t the Scarlet Speedster himself.” Captain Cold smirked, amused. “I was starting to think you weren’t going to show.”

“Where’s the rest of your team?” Barry asked, sternly.

“Gone.”

“Of course they are. And let me guess, they have the gems too, don’t they?”

“You catch on quick.” He confirmed.

“But apparently you don’t. Using an empty cargo train as your getaway vehicle is actually pretty clever and safe, but not enough to evade me. Stopping you here, like this, is child’s play. I could probably do it within a second.” Barry stated. If he was being honest with himself, he felt a little insulted. This was by no means a challenge.

“But you won’t. Because I know your name, Barry Allen.” Len threatened.

“Is this you _not_ trying to escape again? Because it seems to me like you _really_ want me to catch you. You should’ve just used your bike for your getaway.”

“But then we wouldn’t be having this _lovely_ conversation." 

“It would’ve been much faster and harder for us to track you down.”

“Please, we both know what you’re capable of, and that nothing could be fast enough to outrun you. Unless… are you implying that I _ride_ you the next time I need to make my _escape_ , Scarlet?” Len teased, and Barry knew he was turning red. He felt the way his body was heating up from the thought, and he really needed to stop thinking about all the smutty fics he’d read recently, because the last thing he needed right then was a boner.

“I can’t just let you go… you’ve stolen something too high profile, Snart. Return the gems o-or I’m locking you away.” Barry bluffed, needing to change the topic.

“But you won’t.”

“Oh yeah? And why’s that?” he challenged, uncertain of what he’d really do.

“Because there are sixteen bombs planted in the city. And you’ll need my help to get to them. You can’t catch me _and_ save Central.”

“But we have a deal! You promised not to hurt anyone.”

“No, I promised not kill innocent people, and I haven’t forgotten that. The bombs are my contingency plan. Mick and Lisa have the detonators, so if I’m a no-show, there will be chaos.”

“I can’t believe you! You’re such an asshole!”

“Don’t be so cold, Barry. I’m not so bad. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.” Len smirked, teasingly, but Barry was too pissed off to admire it. “So what do you say? Do we have a deal, _Flash_?”

“If anyone gets hurt because of this, I’m done. I’ll hand you over to the Green Arrow, and something tells me he won’t be as nice.” Barry promised. “Now tell me how to find them.”

“Here’s the location of the first bomb.” Len answers, holding out a piece of paper. You’ll find the rest of the locations tapped to the bombs, one each. Meaning if I were you, I wouldn’t be wasting my time here. The clock’s ticking, Flash. Let’s see just how fast you can complete my scavenger hunt.”

Barry zoomed out of there, relying on Cisco and Caitlin to guide him. He dropped off both the bombs and the address notes one after the other, since he didn’t want to risk more than one explosion at any given location. His heart was hammering even after securing the city. He was upset that Cold would even _think_ of—let alone make—a contingency plan like this.

“Here's the last one,” said Barry, setting the bomb down on the table with the rest.

Cisco carefully dismantled all the bombs, one by one.

“That asshole. He pranked us. _”_ Cisco started laughing. "They're all duds, fakes,” Cisco announced, and Barry let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Of course he was _relieved_ , but more than that he was secretly happy. Len never intended to break his promise. He’d just been smarter and had tricked Barry into letting him go.

“There's more. He left you a message.” Caitlin said, shuffling around little, square pieces of paper. “If we line up each piece, sixteen to be exact, in the correct order by following the numbers on the back, it reads: _I told you I’m a man of my word; I would never harm innocent people deliberately.”_

Barry flashed over to where she was standing to read the words himself. The notes were handwritten; meaning Len had taken the time just for him, and he felt weirdly flattered. He couldn’t wait for their next encounter. Because next time, he’d make sure to one up him.

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to thank every one that helped me out. By going over the pun war and giving me feedback or just listening to me:
> 
> [My Sister](http://blue--queen.tumblr.com/), [Vamps](http://archiveofourown.org/users/traciller/pseuds/Vampira%20Maxwell), [Drag](http://archiveofourown.org/users/dragdragdragon/pseuds/dragdragdragon), [Liselle](http://archiveofourown.org/users/LiselleVelvet/gifts), [Lori](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicallyDelirious/pseuds/MagicallyDelirious), [Scarlet](http://youreturningscarletscarlet.tumblr.com/), and [Cliches](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Amber_Flicker).
> 
> Especially [Wolves](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolves_of_Innistrad) who came up with the prompt of Len writing the truth and confessing about his past in a smutty fic of his, and the ColdFlash fans supporting Captain Cold.Thanks for pitching it and letting me use it. I hope I did it some justice.
> 
> Thank you for helping me get the hang of puns [Aunt Crimson](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Crimson1) & [Phynali](http://archiveofourown.org/users/RedHead) I couldn't have done it with out you guys. c: You guys are all very amazing and talented. If I'm not mistaken, I believe that this is the first "Team Writing Project" in the ColdFlash fandom, and I can't describe how very honored I feel to have been given such a chance.  
> This was a blast and I hope we do more team writing in the future. XD    
>    
> As for all you wonderful readers:  
> Feel free to message me on [tumblr](http://ereri-yaoi-lover.tumblr.com/), bookmark any of the chapters, leave comments, kudos, and/or subscribe. Lets us know what parts were your favorites in each chapter. Thanks for Reading. I hope you enjoyed it!^^ -Sif Out-


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